Mattering & Legacy

What are the things that matter?

Actually, what matters at all?  As I grow older, old wisdom finds vindication in quietly reminding me, "told you so."  Bastards.  At the end of the day, I have no one to blame but myself.  Here's to hoping that others will fuck up just like me, and millions do, but just won't mess up quite as epically and let sense rather than pride become their mistress.

I'm what I call a lucky bastard for show.  Beautiful, loving wife, nice car, relatively expensive toys, nice house in the burbs, condo in another city, prestigious job that sucks and a second apartment in the city with a 10 minute walk to work.  Shit, life for a 29 year old can't get much better can it?  Truth is that I'm teetering on the edge of financial irresponsibility and when the house falls, I'm not going to have anything to show for it and life is going to get ridiculously rough.  So it's time to buckle down and fix my mess.

So what's my problem?
I'm financially obese and about to die of a financial coronary any day now.  My cholesterol is sky high and I know it, but I haven't had my stroke yet.  If I keep it up, the stroke will hit me ridiculously hard.  I said I was a lucky bastard, right?  I'm lucky mostly because my parents were hardcore and bestowed many advantages on me rather than any hardcoreness of my own.  5 years ago, I think I earned hardcore as a birthright and my Asian heritage.  Hardly so.  Though I struggle, Kids and adults everywhere are coming out of the woodwork scared shitless about $3000, $5000, even $10000 in credit card debt as well.  Others have $100k in student loans and are barely scraping by on a monthly 4-figure income. Some are working through their problem, taking cues from the hardcore, and living like sardines in the ghetto or free-balling it with a makeshift bed in their van wondering when the next time Fruit-of-the-loom is going on sale, or wondering if their next promiscuous date out would notice that their current pair is the only clean pair not reeking of goodwill.

Me?  I'm kind of chugging through it.  As of October 2012, the following is my yolk to bear:

• $206500 30/yr mortgage @ 4.25%
• $30000 6/yr underwater 2013 model car @ 6.8%
• $59132 in credit cards ranging from 2% to 30%
• $53616 in student loans @ 3.25 & 5.5%
• $750 in medical bills
• No savings
• Living month-to-month

Most of the items in the aforementioned list are fairly normal and decent.  But most will ask, WTF is up with the car and the credit card debt?  Feel free to judge me all you want.  I need the criticism on doing stupid shit so I swallow my pride and get myself out of this hole of debt that consumes my every waking moment.

Daily, I think, 'can I afford $5 to eat lunch from a cart?' 'Nah, I'm overdrawn and am getting paid in a week.  Just gotta hang tight...'

So if this looks bad (or semi-palatable), the last several months have been rife with grief as it's property tax season and I had to scrounge up $5k for taxes on a budget that doesn't put anything aside.

In this rat race of life, I'm probably at least in the top 80th percentile for materialistic show, but what really matters?  Nothing really.  All that I will die with will be non-material.  Not because I can attain them for some reason, but because they don't mean anything tomorrow.  Who cares about the iPhone 3GS now that the 5 is out?  My house, my car, all these things will be nothing.  The only thing I will get to die with is possibly in the love of those around me, if I don't bitch slap them away like my father did.  Here's to hoping that when my time comes I will pass on in mutual, deep, real, fiery love.

Love you babe.